How To Know If You’re Being A D*ICK and What To Do About It
The Urban Dictionary explains, quite aptly I might add, that the word “dick” (besides the obvious connotation, of course) is used to describe a person who acts like an asshole, and the word “dickhead” to be:
- Someone who treats people unfairly for little or no reason.
- One who behaves in a particularly obnoxious or selfish manner; as though they have cum for brains.
- A jerk.
If, at any of the above statements, you feel that you are not any of these things, I’d like you to catch a wake up call and smell the coffee! Everyone, at some point or another, is an absolute dick… including myself.
Before I continue, let me just make it clear that (because #feminism) I use these terms genderlessly as I strongly feel that women can be just as full of shit as men but the words that are used to describe us are often used in a more derogatory manner. But maybe that’s a blog post for another day. Today we’re focusing on WHY ARE YOU BEING A DICK?!
Choice Supportive Bias
Okay, let’s start with what that means. It’s a cognitive term for people who basically believe they can never do anything wrong. So, I invite you to take a moment and check:
- How often do you admit that you’re wrong? How often do you apologise?
- When other people do something wrong, you lose your shit but when you do it, you somehow validate it and that makes it okay.
- Do you try to convince yourself that something isn’t shitty because it’s better than feeling regret?
- Do you have an excuse, reason, counter-argument for everything?
Taken from the website howtogetyourownway.com: ” If you think someone is overly defending a past decision just to protect his self-esteem or trying to boost his self-esteem by exaggerating the value of a past decision, tell him he is not being objective and his actions are steeped in Choice Supportive Bias.”
If someone corrects you and you feel offended, then you have an ego problem. – Matthew Mcconaughey
So. If you said yes to any of the questions, feel you need to defend or exaggerate the truth or have an issue with being corrected then you most probably suffer from CSB and you could be acting like a dick. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we’re always like this. But check yourself from time to time.
So you’re a dick – now what?
Firstly, congratulations! You have taken the first step towards self-actualisation. It’s not easy to admit that we’re flawed. Our monkey brains can’t handle it because it needs to be right for the survival of our ego. The problem is, the bigger our ego, the less space there is to be conscious. We can’t be both – there are two switches and only one is on at a time. So how often you act like a dick is in direct correlation to how big your ego is. And let me just tell you, that everyone has an ego, and if you’re reading this saying, “but I’m not a dick” or “I don’t have an ego”, there is no greater neon sign that shows the opposite. Truth hurts, my friend. Believe me – I’ve been there. Denial isn’t attractive, dealing with your shit is.
When someone interacts with you and you feel the need to defend or explain yourself, don’t. It creates a cycle of blame. It takes two to tango. Take a quiet moment and be honest with yourself. Check to see what you might have done:
- What have I done to contribute to this situation?
- What could I have done/said differently?
- If I were in the other person’s shoes, how would I have reacted?
“For every high there is a low, for every to there is a fro, stop and go, that’s what makes the world go round.” Disney’s “Sword in the Stone” – catchy song for the kids, but also a valuable lesson for us to see that everything needs balance, not just things going “my way”.
Why is this important to acknowledge?
Once we’ve acknowledged that our ego is in control, we can learn to make it take the backseat. Admitting that we fucked up gives us space to grow and become better people. What’s the point of the human experience if not to learn humility? When we distance ourselves from our ego/pride (not 100% of the time, Jeez, we’re not Jesus) and get into the habit of taking responsibility, we are less likely to blow up over little circumstances. We are more in control. Life is too short to stay in the same place. You can travel around the world but you can never run away from who you are. However, you can shed old behaviours.
How to say sorry and mean it
There is nothing worse than a half-arsed apology:
- “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- “I’m sorry I’m such a shit person.”
- “I’m sorry but …”
If you say any of the above type of “apology”, you’re not really doing anything but excusing your behaviour, therefore please read my point about CSB again. In contrast, a true and sincere “I’m sorry. Full stop.” is a powerful tool to resolve conflict and move into a conscious space of peacemaking. This is how we grow. This is how we become our best selves, because you cannot be deeply repentant and be a dick in the same breath. To feel bad about what we have done allows us to not want to do it again. We may make other mistakes, I mean no one is perfect, but at least it isn’t the same one. If you do fight with your partner, parent, friend, whoever – look for the patterns. If you tend to be fighting about the same underlying thing, something isn’t right there.
Choose your words carefully
One of my biggest gripes is arguing with someone and the other person says something “they didn’t mean”. That is such a big trigger for me. You are 100% in control of what you say and what you mean. If you choose to be nasty, ugly, derogatory in any way, you should acknowledge that that is your baser self giving a low blow to get one up on the other person. Congratufuckinglations. You’re a dick. See my first point. Again.
We’ve all done it. We want to win the argument, so we go there. But don’t you dare cop out and say shit like, “that’s not what I mean”, “you’re taking it the wrong way” or “I didn’t mean it”. Yes you fucking did, you wanker! Own it! And then go back to previous points on how to deal with it.
Better yet, when arguing with whoever, take the time to try to express yourself so that the issue can be dealt with maturely. Communication is such an integral tool in social interaction. Why fight when you can talk it out? Who likes walking away with a bitter taste in their mouth? I’ll fucking tell you right now, nobody. Rather talk it all out, problem solved. Bish bash bosh. Instead , and generally speaking, we let our emotions get in the way and things turn south. I personally think that’s unacceptable. We are not children. If you are angry, feel it and ride that wave, but in a healthy manner. If you don’t know how, buddy, I suggest you learn.
Hold up a mirror
I’m no psychologist. However, I’ve done enough work on myself and read enough information to conclude that sometimes, if not all the time, we project onto others unresolved issues within ourselves. Let me give you a perfect example: As I write this, there is a kid in my complex who is whistling, barking like a dog, whooping and running up and down our corridor; basically making a racket. And I’m having a visceral reaction to it. I’m so angry, irritated and triggered by this 10 year child being a child that I have to ask myself, “where is this reaction coming from?” The answer, I don’t feel like I was allowed to make a noise when I was younger. There you go, I’m projecting my own shit. I didn’t even know that I had an issue about this until about 7 minutes ago. Now I have to deal with it or get angry about it again sometime in the future.
Have you watched The Matrix? Red pill, blue pill. I choose red. Every time.